Recall the last argument you had with someone (your spouse, child, colleague, friend).
What did you tell them? What angry, nasty, harmful words passed your mouth?
And after all the dust was down, did you say: “I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean that.”
But, didn’t you really?
When angry, you say what you mean
I may raise some controversy here, but based on my personal experience as well as the experience of my coaching clients, I will put forward this thesis:
When you are angry you actually speak your mind. You say what you really mean.
To express something, first, you have to come up with the idea. It has to have a mental representation in your mind.
So, whatever you say when you are angry, you must have created it first in your mind. That is why you really mean what you say.
You wouldn’t say things that do not exist in your mind. So, really, you say what you think.
Then, when you are angry, your rational filters that stop you from expressing your real opinions are down. It’s like you remove a dam and allow what you have in mind to flow freely.
You push hard on your emotional accelerator, disrespecting your rational brake and you go full-steam ahead.
“I didn’t really mean it.” is then like a rational hand brake, with which, after the milk is spilt, you try to save the situation. It actually seems to work on both sides. The culprit tries to fake comfort of a miscommunication and the victim tries to be comfortable with this false belief.
Now that you understand how it really works, it’s time to work with it towards a good solution.
What you say is only your opinion
Whatever you say when you’re angry is true – for you.
I will not venture in a philosophical dispute of what the truth is. I will just stick to a simple conclusion that what is true to one person might not be true to another.
In this case, whatever you say when you’re angry is your personal opinion, your belief. And that’s all it is.
When you say someone is an idiot, it doesn’t make this person so, does it?
I will repeat it once again, whatever you say when you’re angry is your personal opinion. It’s what you think. And that’s why you say it.
The conclusion here is that whatever you say when you are angry, accept the fact that you may not be right.
That’s already the second grand discovery you may have made today 🙂
Now, let’s discover the third, the most important piece of this puzzle.
How can you change it?
Remember that what you say is only a manifestation of what you think. If you want to change what you say, first you must change what you think.
It’s not about biting one’s tongue when angry. I strongly believe that negative emotions will surface. Sooner than later.
You must change your mindset. Because when there are no negative thoughts in your mind, there will be no food for negative language. Does it make sense?
And that’s how you can work with it.
Change your focus, change your thoughts
You think what you focus on. Your mindset reflects your predominant thoughts.
If you see more faults in someone, the picture of this person will be darker. If you see more virtues, the picture will be brighter.
The problem is that sometimes we do have tendency to focus on and remember more of the negative elements.
They are like heavy storm clouds that cover your emotional sky, covering the blue and the sky.
In this case, no wonder the storm will come.
What you can do in order to reverse this natural phenomenon, is to consciously focus on the positive, bright side of the person with whom you argue.
Not in the argument moment, but long before. Because when you consciously notice the good traits about them, when you consciously focus on the good things, your picture will become more balanced and more bright.
You will not think in terms of negative description of the person that finds its way when you’re angry.
You will build a more positive mental and emotional picture of this person that will not give you any reason to speak wrong about them.
Because your mind will be set to the positive side and the negative talk will have no fuel.
Practice what you preach
Let’s get practical.
Think of a person with whom you quarrel. Write down words and expressions that, in your opinion, describe this person.
Divide them into a positive column and a negative one. See which group is bigger.
Then, think of other positive descriptors that you may not have thought about.
What is good about this person? What do you appreciate in this person? What could you be grateful for in relation with this person?
Focus on those positives. Bring them closer. Put them on the positive list. It may appear that your positive list will become longer. And by this action, it will become dominant. And you will come to the conclusion that it makes no sense to think of this person in such a negative way.
You will change your mindset.
Which will change your language.
Make a fabulous, emotionally sunny day 🙂
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